Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
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Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
What kind of a cult is this?
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.