[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
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*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.