Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
You Might Also Like
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.