Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
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[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
me: my friends:
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.