Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
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A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
so this horse walks into a bar
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
That took me a moment.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.