When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
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me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
Happy birthday to all the women
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart