I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
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Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
I have so many questions.
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb