my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
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Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.