Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
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Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.