Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
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While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
A new level of troll.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!