Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
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JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
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i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes