Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
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Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
A friend sent me this.
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
ouch
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour