If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
You Might Also Like
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”