“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
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My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.