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Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
Your secret is safeish with me
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.