Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
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It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
Oh hi lol
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]