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Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.