So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
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My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
Just a bush.
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer