My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
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Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
Thank you corporation very cool
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
unbelievably distressed by this ad
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.