I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
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Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.