Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
You Might Also Like
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.