*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
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Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.