When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
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Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.