dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
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“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*