Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
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[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”