“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
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[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
inventing words: clothing
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
I bought a bag of top soil to repair my lawn and as I was leaving, the cashier yelled “GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR HOLE!”
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.