*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
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Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.