Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
You Might Also Like
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.