Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
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People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i鈥檒l be running to in a home invasion
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
no such thing as a dumb question
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
Sharks apparently don鈥檛 like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn鈥檛 even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you鈥檙e dying as the ocean鈥檚 bread heel
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
my mom has been using 馃挦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it鈥檚 so quiet in here.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
Them: I haven鈥檛 seen you in a long time.
Me: You鈥檙e welcome.