Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure š
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Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
My new year’s resolution is 1920 Ć 1080.
Am I having a stroke?
Friend: Whatās it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didnāt hear her*
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
My hair has officially hit āaccidentally dip in salad dressingā length.
Ask me how I know.
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
me: iāll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: thatās mousse, sir
me: hmm, thatāll be too much
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
my friend: so the new person youāre dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, thereās something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
āLetās circle backā
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– BoringāLetās do the hokey pokey and turn this thing aroundā
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– Thatās what itās all about
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
[around a campfire]
Children: Youāre asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victimsā faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; heās expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.