Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
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Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
She: I like Cats
He:
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
boat question
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.