I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!đ
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I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she canât figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, thatâs going to be my daughterâs major.
Why do my kids have Veteranâs Day off, they havenât done shit.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, itâs not cheating itâs eating
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
MUM đł
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
My life coach traded me.
itâs ok if no one âgetsâ you; do whatâs right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure Iâd probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
Neighborâs newborn wonât stop crying. Typical Taurus.
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
I donât know which meme to get my news from today
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonightâŚand I donât want to show upâŚunderdressed
guy who just started working today: Iâm afraid youâll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
[date]
HER: Iâm studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
What I say: itâs time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole