My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
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Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead