I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
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You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
ouch