Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
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One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
WHY?!
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels