Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
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I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.