I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
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Meanwhile in Canada…
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.