Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
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There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
Living the best life.. 😊
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
“i am a sweet baby”
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born