Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
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Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
Dammit Chief not again
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!