DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
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how was your vacation
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
Lmao
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
WHY?!
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.