Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
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latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
what are they serving at kfc then???
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.