My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
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[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.