St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
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No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
–
Aether is both a noun and a verb.
–
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached