I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
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If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.