MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
You Might Also Like
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
a public service announcement
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.