“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
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I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
I have questions??
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right