Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
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Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.