A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
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ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
She puts the hot in psychotic
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
Siri: Retweet me.