It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
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Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
Aight bet
Y’all know who you are.
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.