What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
You Might Also Like
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
PLOT TWIST:
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.